I believe in the examen. That is, I believe in a daily examination of conscience. Each night, I try to review the day in my prayers, looking for those moments of great grace in both my successes and failures, and I offer them up to God in thanksgiving that I was allowed to be on this earth one more day.
Sadly, though, I still have the habit of obsessing over the failures...again and again...running them through my head as though I was looping a particular scene in a movie. This brings no comfort to me and solves no problem.
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From Luke 12:
"There is nothing concealed that will not be revealed, nor secret that will not be known. Therefore whatever you have said in the darkness will be heard in the light, and what you have whispered behind closed doors will be proclaimed on the housetops. I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body but after that can do no more. I shall show you whom to fear. Be afraid of the one who after killing has the power to cast into Gehenna; yes, I tell you, be afraid of that one.
Are not five sparrows sold for two small coins? 4 Yet not one of them has escaped the notice of God. Even the hairs of your head have all been counted. Do not be afraid. You are worth more than many sparrows. I tell you, everyone who acknowledges me before others the Son of Man will acknowledge before the angels of God. But whoever denies me before others will be denied before the angels of God.
"Everyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but the one who blasphemes against the holy Spirit will not be forgiven. When they take you before synagogues and before rulers and authorities, do not worry about how or what your defense will be or about what you are to say. For the holy Spirit will teach you at that moment what you should say."
Someone in the crowd said to him, "Teacher, tell my brother to share the inheritance with me." He replied to him, "Friend, who appointed me as your judge and arbitrator?" Then he said to the crowd, "Take care to guard against all greed, for though one may be rich, one's life does not consist of possessions."
Then he told them a parable. "There was a rich man whose land produced a bountiful harvest. He asked himself, 'What shall I do, for I do not have space to store my harvest?' And he said, 'This is what I shall do: I shall tear down my barns and build larger ones. There I shall store all my grain and other goods and I shall say to myself, "Now as for you, you have so many good things stored up for many years, rest, eat, drink, be merry!" But God said to him, 'You fool, this night your life will be demanded of you; and the things you have prepared, to whom will they belong?' Thus will it be for the one who stores up treasure for himself but is not rich in what matters to God."
He said to (his) disciples, "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life and what you will eat, or about your body and what you will wear. For life is more than food and the body more than clothing. Notice the ravens: they do not sow or reap; they have neither storehouse nor barn, yet God feeds them. How much more important are you than birds! Can any of you by worrying add a moment to your lifespan? If even the smallest things are beyond your control, why are you anxious about the rest?
Notice how the flowers grow. They do not toil or spin. But I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of them. If God so clothes the grass in the field that grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith?
As for you, do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, and do not worry anymore. All the nations of the world seek for these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these other things will be given you besides. Do not be afraid any longer, little flock, for your Father is pleased to give you the kingdom.
Sell your belongings and give alms. Provide money bags for yourselves that do not wear out, an inexhaustible treasure in heaven that no thief can reach nor moth destroy.
For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be.
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It is hard to cut any part of Luke 12 from a reading, but this one was the "word" given to me the night my ex-husband walked out. I remember very well that night, sleeping alone again for the first time in 18 years...and how terrified I felt. I did a "drop open" on the Bible and these are the words I read. And somehow, I made it through that first night.
So it is odd, as I become more familiar with Luke's words over the years, that I must be constantly reminded to not worry. I've written a lot of words this week, but have kept them private. They compose interior battles not ready for sharing: the constant reminder that, at least in this world, I have chosen to desire the one thing I am certain that I may never have.
And perhaps that is why I chose it. God has given me so very much. I am blessed almost to the point of embarrassment. Why would God give such a sinner so many graces? Nothing logical about that.
I pray daily to be a healer. I pray daily to be brave and to share what I see in the soul, my own and others. Such arrogance.
This week, I am embarrassed to say that I may have held a woman's hand too long. What does that mean, you may wonder? I thought if I held it long enough, her pain would go away. I begged God to use me...to be empty enough to make that happen...but I was not empty enough. And I am sad because I could not help. Arrogance. Confession. But if we do not ask for a miracle, how can we expect one?
The battle with evil never ceases. And like real love, it is difficult to put into words. I wish I was smarter, faster, more clever. I wish I was more obedient, empty, humble.
Do you understand Luke's gospel? What it means to deny the Holy Spirit? It means to not believe in miracles. It means faith cannot exist. It means the Incarnation was a waste of time. The whole point is about letting the Boy, as I so love to call Him, be real inside me. This idea of mustard seeds and birds. We are aware that God cares for the smallest things...and he cares for us. His power flows through us the more we believe. What we need, our own personal manna...is there for the taking...but only enough for the day. We can't hoard it or buy it or sell it. But always there is enough for each day. And when the day is gone, the bread is gone.
Why not eat our fill of what He so generously provides? Why long for that which cannot satisfy? Why look back unceasingly on what we left behind? Why wring our hands about the future, when He holds tomorrow?
Oh, if only it was that easy...
I thought I would die the night my husband left. I thought nothing would ever be right or good again. I thought I had failed at life.
I was wrong.
I still fight with Him who loves me best, you know...but...He still loves me...and waits for me...
Ah, what the sparrow knows...may God help me to know...
Love, Cindy
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