Doubt

This morning, I actually read the readings for today before I began writing, so no tricks here. My dreams blew me away...showers and snakes and new cars...and a bunch of new people I hadn't seen before in my dreams. It was a wild and woolly week. Usually, I live in anticipation and excitement of what might happen next; right now, I am a bit scared...because there is a mixture of "you have got to be kidding" along with "yes, I knew this was happening."
I do not like knowing.
I do not like not knowing.
What the doctor did on Friday, I did not know was going to happen. It was probably better that way, because I would have been anxious about it all week long. She said my ovaries looked fine. She didn't say anything else. As in spiritual direction, it is what people that do not say that often provide the most insight. (I learned that from a pastor about 15 years ago...and in my usual Cindy style, I turned it on him, showed him his own silence...and I know I was correct, because his face got all pink.  I do that, often without thinking about it, showing someone their truth.  If I am quick enough, I find the truth...or perhaps the silence...and put it away, in a box...and wait for when they want to open it, if they want to open it. But sometimes, too often, I just blurt it out. I realize now that when I am feeling anxious about myself, I tell a truth to kind of direct the attention away from me. I write that here to teach you about listening...and telling. Be careful with what you know. Learn how it serves before sharing. I still have much work to do there. I am always so anxious to get close to God...not everyone else desires such vulnerability)
I threw the technician a bone, I said, "If I live long enough, perhaps I might get to be a deacon before I die." She was silent. (We talked about our desires for PhDs while not talking about the elephant in the room). I did not know if her silence was a disagreement, or a lack of understanding, or if she did not like what she was seeing. But I noted the silence.

I suppose each day we embrace the reality that it just might be our last. As a hormone filled teenager, that often brought out very different desires than those I have today.  What does that mean for each of us, "Carpe Diem"? I have a unique understanding of it because of the "life-death" events in my life: being whisked away from a scorpion while I was still in diapers. (being stung, I was told, though I only remember watching the scorpion crawl on the floor toward me)...and then watching other devils in different forms coming toward me with an intent to do evil and not knowing how to stop them. 
If you take the time, to really look at a person whom you may perhaps have made a harsh judgment about (don't whine about my grammar right now), I promise you that there are very good reasons that person might be living on the dark side. In my book, no one is a lost cause. No one should be left behind. No one is undeserving of being loved. No one should ever be alone. You do know know what there silence is, nor from whence it came. So you listen, to purge the evil power it still wields. Then you take a bath, so that none of its evil clings to you. And then you eat, and rest...and get up and do it all over again. That's how it works.

All this, and I still have silences...and blind spots. I was with they dying this week. Some of it so powerful, so full of energy...I am overwhelmed, perhaps over stimulated, by all that happened this week. Hence, the vivid dreams.  What I notice, with the dying, is how beautiful is there faith...and their love. I felt as if in the presence of two swans, who have been together since time began...and I suppose that, when love finally arrives, time begins again...and I watched them, knowing that goodbye was so close at hand...and how there was a great sadness mixed with a great peace...of being brave enough to love deeply...and accepting without fear that this was the price for real love: saying goodbye...and knowing the something better was also happening.
I looked deeply in their eyes, almost embarrassed that I was a witness to something that was so sacred. I was overcome and wanted to run away when they acknowledged my preseence, I would have preferred to be invisible. I do not understand why there are people who are glad when I am around, it still creates a disconnect in my brain. I still have equations in my own being that do not make sense...and a bit of me is terrified to discover my worth in these encounters because I fear I will become too afraid to do them if I thought I mattered. 

Like Thursday night...all of this energy had to go somewhere...and I didn't understand much...at least my reasonable being did not understand...but my heart understood...and that night, my heart was preaching to other hearts...and it was scary, because I didn't know what would come out of my mouth next...and I don't think I remember much...but I could see that work that needed doing was being done. Like all of the faces I saw during the week...what needed to happen was happening. I get that.

And still I doubt. That gets me to the reading. Thomas gets blamed for being the doubter. What a crock!  The rest of the boys were present when Jesus appeared...so they were not tested. They had been tested before, during the passion, and they all ran away...but we call Thomas the doubter. As little kids, that meant to be a Thomas was to be a weaker one, not a good enough Catholic...oh let us not be like Thomas...and doubt!  That's just not very realistic. Our human brains are incapable of an "absolute" thing. Being human even means being "less than God" in all things. Every time we ask a question, every time we judge another human being...we are acknowledging our doubt. I figure that's why Paul wrote in Corinthians 13, "now we see through a mirror dimly, but then we will see clearly." Until our love is perfected, we will doubt...but if we are aware of our doubt, if we accept our doubt...then our doubt no longer has power over us. It's that humility thing. 
Lord, I believe.
Help my unbelief!

Preach until you have faith
Then preach because you have faith

I do not know whether or not God exists
but just in case...I choose to believe. 

(That last one, I said to the technician, who expressed her opinions about organized religions.)

Lord I do not know where I am going
I do not even know if you are really there
But I have a feeling
And that feeling is enough
To make me know
I am not alone
You are in charge
And it's all going to be okay.

I do not know
If I am doing
That which you want me to do
But I am trying
To love them
As you have loved me
And how you loved me
Even when I did not want
Your love

Not wanting you
And you flying toward me
That image comes to me
When I want to leave
Do something different
Return to the dark side
I cannot leave
Your love

You believed in me
Before I believed in myself
You saw my beauty
When all I saw was...ugliness...and death
But you saw life.

Because you NEVER gave up on me
I can NEVER give up...on others
I can NEVER give in...to the cheap way out
I both love you
And hate you
for that.

You put your mark on me
Sixteen years ago
And here I am
Still not sure
Still doubting
And yet completely sure
Never doubting

Still a little girl scared
And a little girl hopeful
Once a wife, still a mother
And now a grendmother
But still a little girl
Looking down the road
Watching for her daddy
to come get her
and take her home.

Love, Cindy