Pride

"Of course you cannot really be humble unless you have something to be proud of first." 

So says God, while he is fixing a street lamp, telling Joan, who is standing just below him, to do better. To use her gifts...gifts she does not yet know she has, nor does she understand.

Joan had just argued that she thought God wanted her to be humble.  And God responded with the above. Joan pouts, but Joan obeys, because...she has a feeling...that he just might be God...and that matters to her.

"Do whatever he tells you."  I understood that message. I knew exactly what man God was speaking of. I understood as surely as I knew I have blue eyes. Yet because that person is no longer an active part of my life, I have tried to transfer the "message" onto others.

I have met limited success, and in some cases, it feels like complete failure. But I am trying to live out God's will for me. It is just that, what was once so clear then, is not so clear now.
I ask why, and my heart understands...and I look back up at God, repairing the streetlight...and I argue:"This makes absolutely no sense! What possible good can come from it?  I am so freaking alone here. I am not able to trust like that again! You tricked me! There is nothing fair about what you did! I am ruined. I am spoiled. How are you going to make this work? What does it mean? And what the hell am I supposed to do now?"

"Do better."
"Screw you."
"Cindy..."

But God knows my heart. And my potty mouth. And loves me anyway.

Of course I understand. God put my heart in just the way He wanted. All the pieces are there, and some part of me knows exactly how they fit together. I wanted perfect love. I have been given perfect love. I wanted the heart of a king. I was given the heart of a king. I wanted to be surrounded with great minds and great adventurers. I have been surrounded by great minds and great adventurers. I wanted unusual and creative friends. I was given unusual and creative friends. I wanted children with brilliant minds and loving hearts. I wanted them to have blue eyes. .I was given children with blue eyes and they were gifted with the abilities to be kings and queens...if they wanted to be...and they are so beautifully musical, even more so than their parents. One holds in her heart the earth; the other holds in his heart, heaven. Mind-blowing. And I asked God for human love...and He gave me five grandchildren. They will love me more than any one man ever could.

God is wise...and I am not yet too humble.

The battle goes on, "do your best" but "don't be filled with pride when you do."  Do not expect to be recognized or rewarded. Do not want to be popular, or chosen, or a leader of people. Do not want the things that money can buy, but if they are in your presence appreciate them.  Do not envy the prosperity of others...and Cindy, do not envy the one who gets to wear the collar...
Listen to me...this is your cross, but this is not your fight.

I look at the ground and kick the dirt.
"It's not what I asked you to do."
I just look at my feet.
"What did I ask you to do?"
I wait. I don't want to answer.
Finally, I gather my courage. I look up.
"Love them."
"That's right. That is what I asked you to do."
I mumble. He hears me. I can feel Him sigh.
"Just do it."
I feel me sigh.
"Okay."
And then I feel Him, surround me with who and what He is...
perfect love.

I do not know when I will stop arguing. Perhaps I do it just because this making-up part feels so good...

Love,
Cindy