Because it feels good when I stop...

I had intended to entitle this entry as "The tree falling in the forest," but I just checked my emails and found one from a dear friend and teacher who I thought had written me off. He was my "Sam Crawford" in graduate school. In other words, he listened to my unceasing whining, my passion for my work, my confusion about why the world works as it does and did it all in love. And, in true Sam Crawford form, he wrote the most beautiful note and had me belly laughing before I finished.

He reminded me of an old joke, which refers to what a priest said to me 15 years ago.  In a paragraph that included Margaret Mead, he wrote the question "Why do you keep beating your head against the wall?" Answer: "Because it feels good when I stop." The priest told me I could bang my head against the door of the Catholic Church, asking to be a priest and all I would come away with is a bloody head. I had a dream about standing before a priest and having a bloody head. Will I be forgiven for this struggle? Or will I remain only as an example of what NOT to do?  I miss this sweet professor from seminary. He had a way of keeping me grounded while watching me fly.

I had intended to write about Romans 12, I think. And the Epiphany readings for today.  Tree falling in the forest. If there is no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?  I suppose the question possibly becomes, "is anyone listening?"

"We read to know we are not alone." Quote from C.S. Lewis in the movie Shadowlands. I'll say again, I write to know I am not alone. What a marvelous medium this is, to put words out there and 'hope' someone will hear, will get it, will agree or disagree...and the world will grow into a better place.

"Shema!" is often debated as the first real commandment. "Listen!" Listen O Israel, the LORD your God is one.

In order for anything to happen, we must first listen. To each other. To ourselves. To God.

The only real hell is silence. Being ignored. Shunning was the greatest tool to keep order in a community where working together was the only way to survive. Nothing is worse than being alone. Not being heard.  And I think, and have said it before, not being heard is the source of almost all of the violence in this world.


When my daughter, my first born was a baby, I was stressed about everything. My mother did not want me to have a child, my father had cancer. My new husband had just lost his first wife to cancer.  I knew I was being punished for my "evil ways" and as far as I could understand it back then, any hopes of my getting an education were officially over. And then there was the fear that if I loved my daughter too much, God would take her from me as yet another punishment for letting Him down. What a colossal mess I was!  My husband didn't have a clue, just saw the stress and told me to go compete in a speech tournament...in Louisiana with the Aggies.
I went. I did okay. I did not win. I met Kenny Rogers, the singer.
But the first night I was gone, I called Bob to say good night and he said, "Guess what?" and he held up the phone to my daughter, who was almost five months old, and she said, "Mamamamamama"  I thought I would just curl up and die. She knew I wasn't there. She wanted me, she missed me, she called me by my name.

And our relationship has been hit and miss every since.

We need to be heard. We need to listen. Nothing really works well unless we do.  The tree falling in the forest. The bloody head. It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong. We need to listen. We need to love.

And yes, I can hear you. Right and wrong matters. But how about love?  Hear first. Love first. Then teach.

Back to Epiphany: Isaiah 60: 1-5

Rise up in splendor! Your light has come, the glory of the Lord shines upon you.

See, darkness covers the earth, and thick clouds cover the peoples; But upon you the LORD shines, and over you appears his glory.

Nations shall walk by your light, and kings by your shining radiance

Raise your eyes and look about; they all gather and come to you: Your sons come from afar, and your daughters in the arms of their nurses.

Then you shall be radiant at what you see, your heart shall throb and overflow, For the riches of the sea shall be emptied out before you, the wealth of nations shall be brought to you. **********************************

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZvjPCcHI4g

When I listened to this last night, I found myself thinking about flying from Dallas to San Antonio at night... on Southwest Airlines.  I remember how dark it was outside the window of the place, and of course, I always had to have a window seat...I gotta see...and I would look and listen to the humming engine of the plane and feel the cold plexiglass against my cheek...and I would just stare out into the darkness. I was always looking...always looking for something...and there...suddenly...the faintest glimmer of light. Little towns of light surrounded by large spaces of darkness. I'd see the light and know that life was there. People just like me, and not like me...sorting it out, trying to make it work, wanting to be heard, maybe feeling lonely.  Little pockets of light to remind me I was really not that far above the earth. And that someone out there, maybe someone has figured it out and we are going to be nice to each other, and love one another...for real. And I hoped. And even though I had my head against a "wall," it was not bloody. I wasn't banging it...I was just looking...and hoping.  ******************

I brought my gift to Him yesterday, too. Poorly. And the priest didn't have a clue...but I brought my gift to Him. And I think I made Him happy. I hope so.

Love, Cindy