January 1, 2011:
Woke up at about 12:11...at least that's when I looked over at the clock. Eleven minutes past midnight on 01.01.11. Still binary. Looked out into the night sky. Ursa major to the north and Canis major to the south. Orion still holding his weapon. But no moon...perhaps still just below the horizon. I asked God again. What do you want me to do? He gives me the same answer: what you are doing, Cindy? And then I ask the tough one. But should I marry again? And pretty much again, I think I hear that it doesn't matter to him. I can never be what I want to be, what I believe I was born to be...so it really doesn't matter how I do what I am called to do. See the difference?
I wonder sometimes. God created us to do good things for Him. In the doing, we are living out what He created us to be. The titles were created by men to establish order. I covet something man-made, not God-made. Perhaps God didn't make me a priest, but He made me an evangelist, a preacher, a healer, a compassionate observer and companion...I pride myself on becoming what someone needs when I am with them.
There are important people, people I have somehow decided are important, that I tend to want to help the most. People who I understand will be players in the coming of Our Lord, people who I can see can make a big difference in how we get closer to Him. My children's grandfather, for example. He had the potential to make a difference. My children's father also had an exquisite gift. One of the smartest men I have ever known. And there have been others. I don't know how to see differently. When I look at people, I look at how they connect to the whole world, I want to see (in my head) what good they might do and how, and then I want to help them discover how to do it. Just a mild insanity, I am sure.
On a less egoist slant, I understand the exquisite gift of healing whoever comes along. And the irony of realizing that I don't know much of anything at all. I stand out under the stars and talk with God, knowing that He is listening to me while at the same time knowing I am just a crazy woman who stands out under the stars and thinks that God is listening. I know that I have been in the presence of greatness, have known a few powerful people and maybe even a few holy people...and I know how random those encounters are while at the same moment knowing they were parts of my own destiny. Time is a human construct. God transcends time. In the presence of God, time is unimportant. I know it to be true and I know it to be crazy.
I get a kick out of that "new age" stuff, because it is not entirely wrong. One can argue, half a lie is still a lie. Yes. But I also have an understanding of God that steps out of time and the rules. At least, I have not defined any rules yet. A priest once told me that I like to have rules so that I can figure out ways to get around them. He knows me pretty well. I assure you I am not unique there.
For example, tell people that they have to keep the Sabbath and they will ask how...and then do all that is not clearly defined by the rules. People who show up to Mass during the offertory and then receive Communion with their purse in their hands are people who know the rules...and what they HAVE to do. Rules give us order but they also cheapen us. Like we can contain God in a book... or on an altar...when God above all cannot be contained.
The idea of intention is good. I wake deciding how my day will be. I have free will. I can give it to God and be content with whatever happens or I can decide how I create my own universe and then accept and discard things daily that serve it. When the center is me, it can work, but not for long. But when the center is God, it always works. We waste so much when we just think about ourselves.
And there is my trap. The one the devil lays for me. To hunger to be a priest. Pride is my greatest sin. Next ambition. And possibly power. I go out and look at the night sky and talk to God. And I think about the woman who kept saying over and over, "You are a miracle" to me...and I am thinking "I asked God to let me do a miracle before I die" and I am in awe and wish that she would stop saying that...and yet, what she speaks is the truth...
And I begin to realize what miracles we really are for each other. We really are miracles. Just being alive is a miracle. But connecting with each other, in real and unselfish ways, that is an even bigger miracle. A woman crying out...and someone answering...is a miracle. It really is a miracle.
Be a miracle for someone.
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