It ain't over til it's over...

You never really know how things are going to turn out. While the story is complete for God, it is still very unfinished for us. I recall, so many years ago, running into a friend from high school. She hugged me and we caught up a bit, and then she said, "I'll never forget watching you slow dancing with Robert Rigney. I was so jealous!" and then that night came back to me with some clarity. I looked at her, both of us "grown-ups" and thought, and I was always jealous of you...you were a cheerleader...you had it all...all the time...

I remember that night. Last song of the evening for 8th grade Cotillion. I had not danced with a single soul that night. White crepe dress with rhinestone trim, satin pumps, and matching bag, I looked nice enough, but no boy talked with me,...The football player came up to my best friend and asked her to dance...and she said "No, dance with her (meaning me)." The song was Color My World. The LONG version. And we did that kid kind of dancing...you know, arms around each other and kind of rocking back and forth. Cindy, the nerd, in the arms of the best looking football player in the whole 8th grade world, holding her for a long time. It was wonderful, but in my head I was thinking, "Cheri asked him to dance with me. What is so wrong with me that I can't even get a guy to ask me to dance?"

Nothing is never really as it appears. Reading/listening to Thomas a Kempis, I am having it pounding into my head, trying to come to terms with my distinctly feminine spirituality...our feelings change from moment to moment. We cannot rely on them. The are unpredictable and change more easily than the wind. That is true, but they are also what make us distinctly human.

I think we must continually risk being wounded by love to be fully human. I walk into a hospital room and I ask a little boy, "Is Jesus wearing flip-flops or cowboy boots today?" and his mind is diverted a moment from the pain while he answers me. A baby with cancer. What is that all about God? Why do these things happen? But my gift is that I get to walk into the room, and for just a moment, slow dance with this family.

Another day, another room, I dance with the woman in tears remembering a daughter who died last year, I sing a song for a husband who has gone on to heaven, I answer the phone call from Germany and hear her a son's voice say thank you. I discuss theology with a young man studying to be a priest, excited for him to be choosing this life...I discuss cabbage in a parking lot with Franz...and yesterday I held a woman who is just beginning to understand what it means to receive God's love...and I am just stunned to be a witness to so many holy moments.

I keep asking God, should I marry again? But my life is so very good now. I can do so much for Him now. Yet, that old baggage rises to the surface again..."What is so wrong with me that I can't get a guy to ask me to dance?"

We all doubt our worth at some point on our journey.  I looked at everyone else and thought they had it made. I thought everyone else had it figured out.And whatever I had, it was never enough, never right, and of course, I always wanted more.

It took a long, long time...and much love from dear people who dared to be part of my life, but I have finally stopped wanting. I have all that I need. I can say the"Our Father" and mean every single word of it. Daily bread, for today. And I am thankful for it. Sure there are things that might be fun to do, more things I want to write and heavens, I wish I was a better writer...but it really doesn't matter in the long run. I have what I need. Finally.

All because a few special people came along and loved me just as I am...and I let them love me and teach me how to love back...and later, how to love more and better. It took a long time and a lot of tears. I had to have my heart broken a few times...and I have no doubt it will break a few more times before I leave this life.

I had to learn how to slow dance, to follow a lead, and to relax in His arms. The music is still playing. His hand is reaching out. Get up and dance.

Love, Cindy