Change is good...You go first!

I will try to write a few words about what has happened in the last few days. It is so hard to do, because it all seemed so perfect, so very much like I have finally come home to Him.
I feel like the prodigal daughter, still practically clueless, but having a hunger so great and overpowering that it is dragging me in my weakness to my only real home, the one from whence I came and the one where I always knew I would have to return someday.
Augustine wrote something like, "Oh, Lord, save me...but not right now!"
I feel like all the pieces of my life are falling into place, all them beginning at last to make sense...and the idea that God would want me after all these years of denying Him and defying Him...and that He would allow me to manifest my love for Him withing the walls of the Catholic Church...the joy of this knowledge is almost too much to bear...
And almost too scary to write down.

You see, it is almost always true that when we tell our secrets, much of the magic of them goes away. Some of their power of them over us leaves them.

From The Princess Bride:
"I must know your name!" "Get used to disappointment."

From Viktor Frankl:
Not a quote, but a summation: Suffering, once it has a name, ceases to be suffering."

From Exodus 3:
"But," said Moses to God, "when I go to the Israelites and say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you,' if they ask me, 'What is his name?' what am I to tell them?" God replied, "I am who am." Then he added, "This is what you shall tell the Israelites: I AM sent me to you." God spoke further to Moses, "Thus shall you say to the Israelites: The LORD, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, the God of Jacob, has sent me to you. "This is my name forever; this is my title for all generations.

There is power, both good and bad, in the revealing of secrets. Ultimately, when we reveal our secrets, we discover our truth and God's truth and how those two things weave together to make us who we are. And each time we tell our truth, we discover God's truth and we are set more free from the chains that keep us from our Divinely Loving Creator.

We tell our story. Over and over again. Until we get it right. Then we know the truth in our hearts. And we are free.

I kind of think that is the way of confession. Some of us confess the same sins over and over and over. I am thinking that perhaps that is because we are still fearful of telling our truth. We tell part of our truth, thinking that is enough...but it never is. We have to tell the truth...otherwise, our sin, if it really is a sin, still has power over us. Sometimes, as we tell our truth, we discover that we have not sinned, but we have thought that we have sinned, because we choose to tell ourselves only part of our truth. It works both ways. We hide ourselves from knowing our true sins, or we can condemn ourselves because it is easier than facing something good about ourselves.

Sr. Maria indirectly asked me an important question this weekend: "What gift are you hiding from us?" Oh hell, I thought, she went right for my heart! And how wise and wonderful she is to know, perhaps on faith alone, that I needed to be challenged in that way...or perhaps she did not have a clue...but I doubt that.

"What gift are you hiding from us?" What do you have inside you that you ultimately know is a treasure that needs to be shared? What are you afraid of exposing to the light in great fear, that, if exposed to the light, might not really be a treasure at all...just an illusion. Or worse, if you truly have a gift, and someone else sees it, then you would be demanded by God to share it.

A small passage of The Little Prince: He goes to a planet where there lives only one man. This man is very proud. When he sees the Little Prince, he says to himself, "Here comes someone to honor me." And he asks the Little Prince, "Do you not think I am the most wonderful man on this planet?" and the Little Prince replies, "You are the only man on this planet!" "Well," says the man, "still, you must tell me I am the most wonderful man on this planet." The Little Prince replies sadly, "You are the most wonderful man on this planet."

Or something like that. The point being, yes, it is a truth...but it is not the truth. And I think we are all searching for truth. We will know the truth when we find it...and when we do, we will no longer have any questions.

So I have this truth, which may or may not be the truth. I think I have found my real home. I have fought it with a bunch of other truths that we not really truths.
I have written again and again that I talk to the moon. I talk to God all day long, every minute of every day. I feel desperately sad and lonely when I am not in conversation with Him. And I think I have found a place to be where that way of living will not be considered strange. And I think I have found a place where I can continue to write and share all I can in such a way, that those who might want to find God at this level might find my words a bit helpful as they struggle on their own path to their own truths.

God has given me everything I have asked for. And I think I have asked for some hard things. I am still stunned by how He has answered my prayers. And I am stunned by how He has used me to help others. I would like to tell you about yesterday, but it is too soon...I need the people involved to forget that they were involved and that way I have not invaded their privacy. But I can tell you that for each of us, God is working a huge billion piece puzzle that for me, is starting to make sense.

And He has given me the most precious gifts in human beings who have their eyes open to the possibility of something new and good and wonderful...and I am humbled that they are willing to give some of their life to me to help me along my way. And I am so very drawn to give my life to them in very much the same way.

My vow is to You, my Sweet Lord. Complete me, then use me up. Let me be a source of joy to those who seek joy and a source of truth to those who seek truth. Let me never assume to know Your Plan, let me move through this life both freely and blindly, seeing only what You want me to see, being Your Hands of healing, Your Eyes of acceptance, Your ears of compassion, Your Heart of unceasing and unconditional love. Let me disappear into You. Only there will I find who I am and who you created me to be. Thank you for my life. Thank You for my life. Thank You for waking me to Your love.

Love, Cindy