Covenant

I was reminded on Monday...which seems like a lifetime ago now...that I have been on this journey for a couple of years. I was reminded yesterday that I went on my first ACTS retreat July 16-19th of 2009. That means that while I was at St Scholastica, I was at a one year anniversary of a very important cleansing. Look what God has done for me in a year! It is almost too much to bear. And too wonderful. No one can look at God and live. True. Each time I look upon God I die. And I am reborn. It has been a very good year. Here is some of my poetry that I wrote over the last year. The one I was specifically looking for is the last one. Written on July 19th, 2009. (expletive deleted)

God really does love even me.
Enjoy if you wish. Pulled off my FB notes pages.
Love, Cindy
***************

I didn't think I really needed a muse, but apparently I do.

I am woman
I stand alone
Hoping today
I'll break open the stone
That tells me the secrets
Of where I have been
With compassion and truth
And with generous friends

I stand on the threshold
of something brand new
take a chance on a hunch
hoping to see it through

No time for reflection
No time to rehearse
Just dive in the deep end
For better or worse

Will it lead to success
or to something dramatic?
I can't predict anything
anti-climatic

I desire a muse
Different eyes that can see
All the pitfalls and problems
and possibilities

To lead me to places
I've been too cautious to go
To climb up the mountain
or dive down below

But I am a woman
And I stand alone
No one can help me
No one will dare
No one come near
Let the stranger beware

To think anything in this world
didn't start
with the help of the Great One's
creative heart
To think that I'm here
Because biology worked
is kind of like thinking
I too made the dirt
that created the plants
when life first began
that evolution might occur
by the thoughts of a man

I want to write something
Profound and complete
But I find that my words
only fall at my feet

Crawl back to the baseboards
and cabinet shelf
and leave me here standing
alone by myself

"I am woman!"
I cry out
"Pay attention to me!"
And He calls back gently
"Pay attention to Thee..."

sigh...probably misused the word...

love,cindy
October 18, 2009
yes the date matters today...
*********************************************
No I am not going to write about the full moon tonight. I am not going to write any more about the fall. I cannot imagine where my bag is. Perhaps I will dream about it.

Found an old journal: back in May, reading "Still Listening" by Guenther. June: "The Art of Christian Listening" and William James' "Pragmatism."

My notes: A secret ingredient--like the Noodle Dream in Kung Fu Panda. The secret ingredient is that there is no secret ingredient.[then a poem]

The Answer is Within You

Face into the mirror, what do you see?
I see a little girl looking back at me.
Face into the mirror
sometimes warped in ways
to see the befores and afters
of the choices in our days

Face into the mirror
look at our fronts and our backs
look for the things we desire but lack
Look up and down and inside and out
Find those things we'd be better without
Look at the things before us
and what lies behind too
Know what will help and what is just do-do

Face into the mirror and clean off the glass
Know the dirt that was there is part of the past
With clean vision before us
We know we can't fail
God's love is sufficient
and will forever prevail

Face into the mirror
See the creature you are
Know your own beauty
Let it shine like a star

Face the mirror, Stand tall
And take in that love
That God and I bring you
From heaven above.

---written for my granddaughter Trinity on Trinity Sunday 2009
Love, Nana
********************
Fire in the bread
No miracle perhaps
Just red wine in a gold cup
Reflected by the light
No miracle
The light of the room
Reflects the faces of people
Hungry to be made well

Tell me Jesus, tell me
Its gonna be alright
Tell me I'm gonna be alright
Tell me I'm going to get right
Believing and receiving
What you so willingly give
So that I can live

Fire in the bread
He kneels beside my bed
Places His hand upon my head
Cools the fever
Of all my rememberings
His fire quenches my fire
And the warmth of His fingers
Reach deep inside my brain
And tells me,"Be healed"
And I believe Him

Eyes meet mine
And I am not afraid
See who I am
Who I really am
And He tells me, "Yes, you are good.
Take on My fire
In this bread
And wine
In the Body
And Blood
Watch and
Learn and
Remember

Jesus kneels by the foot of my bed
And tells me to rest now
Today's work is done
And I did just fine.
He sings me a song,
I love you, Cindy
Hold fast to my love
I will never leave you
You make me smile...
____________________________

My goodness, what will the rest of the day bring?
Love, Cindy
***********************************
Published in 1992 in Forces Magazine (CCCC):

Patience and Persistence

With a single touch on the lovely white ivory
She finds herself beyond reality and submitting to instant peace
Black and white caresses her body
embraces her life
and makes complete
the thoughts that wander wantonly for a home--

She touches the heart of the keyboard
making it laugh or cry
only asking to be recognized by deaf ears
glaring in the darkness

A single candle turns white keys to soft yellow
asking not for payment except in the music
which might otherwise be neglected

Her hands are tired now, but still she plays
plays and listens and waits
for the music to set her free
________________________

[always seeking God, it seems, one way or another]

*********************************************
Sept 10, 2009
I placed my heart in a tomb
To protect it from all the pain
I kept it safe, I thought, not knowing
It was a tomb
Like Lazarus, I was dead to the world
Dead to everything

And Jesus came near and said
Be opened
Take away the stone
And Lazarus came out alive

My heart, hidden behind the stone
In the tomb
Has been called out
Be opened, my heart!
Live!

This one is not finished, but I felt I had to put it down anyway. Wrote it a few days ago.
Blessings,
Cindy
**************************
Mary Mother of God
August 15, 2009
1.
Mother most perfect
Never asking why
She pondered in her heart
Endured the worst
Taught the boy
Believed in him
Stood firm
Held him up
Let him go

And all I can do is hurt with her today
Frustrated by something as silly as lost keys
Embarrassed that I had to ask for help

Many stories surround her
This mother of God
This Theotokos
These bitter tears
This sea
We made her into a saint
When mother was her greatest and happiest role
She gave away everything
To ensure that something better might happen
That the world might rest
From all its restlessness

I weep for what she did
What she gave
Wondering if I was asked
Could I do the same?

Sweet Mary, rest well
We heard the message
And slowly we say yes
To the glorious impossible
Of the Incarnate Son
Who changed the world
Bringing light into the darkness
of our souls

Sweet Mary rest well
Your boy did his work
Because you did yours

2.

I asked you only moments ago
what do you require of me
How can I speak of this journey
without hurting someone I love
there is so much to say
but it needs love and care to be done well

You tell me calm down
you remind me
you fled to Elizabeth for safety
while Joseph had to learn and pray
to calm down
to not kill you and your child
as the Law allowed
You stayed with Elizabeth
Until it was safe to go home
when Joseph dreamed a dream
that told him Mercy over Law
was the right thing to do

Mercy over Law might save me, too
The writing I feel compelled to write
May arrive or not
But the journey
the struggle
that was necessary

the sign is the Sign
what you have asked for
you have received

Mary and Elizabeth
the names you gave your daughter
you knew those were the two strongest
the ones who believed
who initiated the change
that changed the world

Trust the waiting
Good fruit will come
in its time.
Written about 11 months ago ·
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If you love Me-Tell Me that you do
Tell Me the truth or tell Me nothing at all
Masques are fine for human to human meetings
But give Me your All
Or give Me nothing
Hide even a little and my head turns away
I desire a pure heart
Not a perfect one, but pure
Give Me all of you
Or give Me nothing

I cannot give you anything
If you require bargain or compromise
I have pledged to be loyal to you
Now be loyal to Me
And you shall never feel wanting
Submit--bend--
Cut away all that keeps you from seeking Me
My gift to you is the best:
All of creation and more
With Me, you will not learn, you will know
And time, you will scorn:
a human invention to control each other
a unit of measure,
When the greatest gift is immeasurable.

I cannot give you half of perfection
I can only give it all --for it is not to be measured or
valued as you value things
It is your surrender, your submission to Me

When we become One, as I told you when I was here,
limiting myself so that you could see Me,
Feel Me,
Taste Me,
Remember Me---and forget Me--if you look away
I can't make you stay
That must be your heart's desire
Join Me and do not look back
Take all I have
It was always yours
Waiting, waiting , waiting...
...for you to come home.
With love to all,
Cindy
copyright August 2009