Too much woman

I hit a spiritual wall last night. I looked around my life here in this place and asked myself, "What am I doing here?" And then I woke this morning with the thought, "What were you thinking?" In the span of less than 12 hours, I flew from one end of the spiritual spectrum to the other. There is no way to explain when it started or why it started. It's just all part of this bizarre journey that seems to be my life, sometimes riding bareback with God and sometimes hanging upside down from a tree. But always, always, always wanting more.
Nephesh. The Hebrew word for hunger. Bill Power described it as newborn chicks in a nest, with their scrawny little heads looking upward with their mouths open, telling their mother, "Feed me!" Dr. Power told us that was the way we seek God. We are so hungry for Him...and me, I think I am hungrier than anyone else.
But of course, that is not true. I am simply aware of my hunger. I desire God's love even more than I desire life. Sounds a bit extreme...even to me.

In the background, I hear the morning birds waking and singing while they sit on my roof. On my little radio,, right now, is an old Phil Collins song:

"I can feel it coming in the air tonight
Ive been waiting for this moment all of my life."

And I remember the classic 80s movie it was in, "Risky Business."

Just dare to tell me that God doesn't have a sense of humor. There are connections I could make for you here that are probably not for the undisciplined heart...but I am convinced that everything of our life is a connection to God...even the most outrageous things. Nothing can separate us from God.

Except one thing: We can walk away. The 32nd psalm, I don't want to look up the Hebrew right now, but, in this psalm, there are three different words to describe sin: turning away, missing the mark and I think the third is outright rebellion.

The only unforgivable sin is denying the Holy Spirit. Of course it is unforgivable. If you deny the Spirit, then there is nothing to save from this earthly realm. Deny it and 'here' is all you have.

In the past 48 hours or so, I have been in connection with intense things. I wondered why I was so exhausted last night...truly too exhausted to even offer the simplest words to God in prayer. All I could see and feel was my own fear, and I was too tired to even realize that that was indeed the prayer I needed to give Him last night. I kind of gave it to Him indirectly, through an intermediary, who knows how to hear. I trusted that. But even that is a risk. What I give to God is not always appropriate for another human heart, unless the heart is very very strong. But then, as I leaned into God a bit more, the dam broke in my heart and in the privacy of the chapel, I let the blood and water of my heart pour out and allowed the blood and water of His Heart to come in. I wept and told Him what I thought was the truth, but it was not the truth. But as I let it out, He showed me the truth. My truth. And I felt relieved that I had been deceived by the One who would rather have me so far away from Him.

These words are residue from two meetings I had recently with intense women. Powerful women. Weak women. Hungry women. I don't know if I can properly write about it. I had asked God to continue to 'purge me with hyssop,' that I might be a better servant to Him. I have been praying for some time about women. About there role in my life and my role in their lives.

And God brings me two women, in exactly the right order, to teach me more.

I have been told by many of the men in my life (and let me be clear, most of them were from a LONG LONG time ago)that I was just too much woman. They were attracted to my intensity and strength, but ultimately, they could never keep up with me. No matter where we went, I was always pushing to live just a bit more. I have never been completely satisfied with them, God bless them! Why only live half way when God wants us to have it all? I kept thinking that they would "finish me," that they would "complete" me. But they never did.

Only God can complete me. Only God can satisfy me. Only God knows where are the broken parts are and only God can fill them. Took me a very long time to figure that out. Only God is the moment I have waited for all of my life. Hungry as I am, He has enough food to feed me. He has enough food for all of us.

These women, two very different women. Brought their stories to me. One was very direct, the other took the long way around. The first wept for about an hour, telling me how much she loved God, while she spoke again of a sin that is probably the one I can tolerate the very least: infidelity. It is the one I hear most often, from both men and women. We get so confused about love. We have such a hard time understanding what it is and what it is not.

I got a massage yesterday (my wonderful extravagance) and the man and I talked afterward. I mentioned a bit about what happened earlier and there he was, telling me how he fell from grace. I went into a little summary of the Gospel of John, explaining to him how I understood what love is...and thinking on another track, oh my, I'm not going to remember this later, but it is right...love is explained in John. Perfectly.

The conversation with the first woman ended in prayer. I tried to get her to a priest for confession. She told me she was not Catholic. I asked, then why are you here? She replied, Because here is where God is.

Yeah, that's why I'm here too. I looked over at my shoes and socks on the floor next to the wall. I looked at my open purse and open prayer book also on the floor. You see, the woman's weeping, pulled me out of my prayer space and into hers. She was distraught. She was hungry. I got to be a vessel for Him. Go, God! I thought I had been called to church that night to pray. I was...only not as I expected. Never is you know. He brings you in, but you never know what He will do. You just have to be open.

So we pray. When she tells me she is not Catholic, I try another tactic. I tell her I used to be a Methodist minister. She likes that. Go ahead, get curious, I think. You are here for a reason. But I pray with her, and I hear the same thing I hear from everybody else when I pray.

"That was amazing. You really pray well." And I can never understand why they tell me that. I just try to listen to what they say, and hear what I think they need. And then I just tell God. "You used to be a Methodist minister." "Yep." Go ahead, ask me. Ask me why I am here. But she doesn't. She hugs me tightly, thanks me and I whisper in her ear: "Don't sin anymore. And don't answer the phone." I feel my face against the hair on her head and I have to hug her just a tad longer, because I cannot believe I said what I did. A woman I've never met before. A woman I'll probably never see again.

She hasn't made the connection, I think. She still can't see. But she feels better now. Less hungry. And that's a good thing.

The story about the second woman will have to wait. Time to get going.

Keep your ears open. God is calling you. He wants you to help. God wants to love you...all over again.

Love, Cindy