There is a fine line between narcissism and pedagogy, I think. At least there is for me this day. I recall being in an undergrad ancient philosophy class at UNT. I was bored with the class. When I get bored, I try to make what I am doing into a game. Working at Luby's Cafeteria, I used to draw pictures with my spoon in the creamed corn. In my Calculus class at TAMU, I used to catch and release flies to entertain the people sitting next to me in class. Every day, in my philosophy class, my professor would mention a paper he wrote back in 1973...every day he mentioned it. So my entertainment in that class was to 'time' him. I would record how much time would elapse each day before he would mention that paper. Some days, it would take him about 10 minutes to bring it up, other days, he might talk for 25 minutes before mentioning it.
One day, while primping in the bathroom, I mentioned to my much younger student companions in the class, who were complaining about how boring the class was, that I liked to 'time' our prof on that paper.
So, that day, in class, he begins his lecture...and then he mentions the paper. The two girls behind me burst out laughing...and I try to crawl under my seat, certain that my professor was fully aware it was me who started it.
It's not like I was trying to cause trouble. Like the day, in 6th grade, when I accidentally flooded the girls' bathroom. I just thought it would be interesting to plug up the drains in the floor, shove my thumb into the spigot with the water flowing full blast and watch the water hit the ceiling and drip to the floor. It wasn't like I was alone or anything. I had two co-conspirators with me. I was just curious...and it was jut water...right? And I was bored. Three days suspension for that one, but not on my permanent record. The principal saidI was an A student, top of my class...I was a good person...really.
I write this blog to help other people with their own challenges. I get enough feedback to know that my writing has made a difference, or helped others find out who they are. Maybe just a few people. But if you think about it, one person, changing his/her mind is enough. We can change the world, one person at a time, because one person might just be enough to save us all from damnation...oh, wait! Somebody already did that!
From Genesis 18:
But Abraham persisted, saying, "What if only forty are found there?" He replied, "I will forebear doing it for the sake of the forty." Then he said, "Let not my Lord grow impatient if I go on. What if only thirty are found there?" He replied, "I will forebear doing it if I can find but thirty there." Still he went on, "Since I have thus dared to speak to my Lord, what if there are no more than twenty?" "I will not destroy it," he answered, "for the sake of the twenty." But he still persisted: "Please, let not my Lord grow angry if I speak up this last time. What if there are at least ten there?" "For the sake of those ten," he replied, "I will not destroy it." The LORD departed as soon as he had finished speaking with Abraham, and Abraham returned home.
Ten good people could have saved a city. One 'person' saved all of us. The theme is played out over and over again.
And from Matthew 5, who tells us, if we are blessed, then we are required to be a blessing. We should not just give from our extravagance, we should give because we can give:
If anyone wants to go to law with you over your tunic, hand him your cloak as well. Should anyone press you into service for one mile, 26 go with him for two miles. Give to the one who asks of you, and do not turn your back on one who wants to borrow.
God wants us in relationship with Him and with each other. All the time. For He is merciful as we are merciful to each other.
But we really shouldn't brag about it. Today, I am caught between thoughts of doing the right thing, and then speaking about it. How exactly do we teach and share our good works in a way that teaches without, shall I say, drawing attention to ourselves?
It is a fine line: doing good works to glorify God vs. doing good works to glorify ourselves. And we don't always recognize when we have crossed the line. It was pointed out to me today, that even if I recognize that I have been self-centered or self-absorbed, sometimes the good works still get done just fine.
But in this case, some of the charm of what I did lost it's innocence in the telling. I paid a price for sharing, because the sharing was not about inspiring someone or teaching someone, but because I simply wanted it known.
Kilroy was here. Remember that, you old people? Jesus said those who give in public already have their reward. A plaque on the wall...or a building named after them. But the greatest gifts are done in secret.
But as we grow closer to God, God shows us our pride in ourselves and it is an ugly and painful thing to embrace. Living in humility is hard work. To live humbly, you have to first recognize that you have something to be proud of. And then, let it go.
Many days, I play the piano before Mass. Each time I play, someone new comes up to me and says thank you...with eyes and a voice that slays me. I never want anyone to tell me thank you for playing. I play for God. But then, if I am playing for God and God is in you, then I am playing for you, too. I can't imagine God saying thank you to me for a gift that He gave me in the first place. But I need to be polite.
I begged Fr Henry to ask a certain man to stop telling me thank you for the way that I read Scripture. He told me pretty much to get over myself and just say thank you. But what if I got to a place where I expected thanks? I see the dangers in sharing our gifts. But then, I think the dangers of not sharing our gifts is greater.
We need to always look at our motivations for our actions. Okay, I need to look at my motivation for my actions. Part of why I write here is that I know it makes a difference. Once I preached and someone who was simply thinking about committing suicide stopped thinking about doing it. She wrote me a note thanking me for what I said. Is telling you that bragging? Maybe. But that's not what I intend. I want those who bother to read my noise here that everything you do and say matters. It can change lives for the good as well as the bad. Strive to do the good.
If God lets you see the fruit of your labor, then thank Him. But don't think too much of yourself. If you do, you will become blind.
So pride, that lusty animal, always lurks in the dark unguarded areas of our psyche. It damages the gifts we share and it especially damages the way we love one another.
I've got a wedding to go to. I must stop here. But I've been writing this one all day and it will not leave me.
I will probably need to correct this one later...but let it be things to muse on anyway.
What gift are you hiding from the world? Why are you hiding it? Is it pride that keeps you from trying? Is it the fear of success that scares you? Are you hoarding your talents for 'just the right' day?
Give now, love now, say yes now.
You are a good person...really...
Love, Cindy
No comments:
Post a Comment