Yesterday:
The house is reasonably clean. Floors mopped. Things put away. Not really reflective of my life in the past few months. For me, everything is drama. Put me into a Catholic classroom with a nun in charge and watch me stir the pot. I live to make waves. But let me be very clear, my goal is always to make good waves, good ripples in the pond of life.
An unexamined life is no life an all.
Back in my high school days, even then and perhaps especially then, I knew my job was to make people think something new. I refused to live within the status quo. Life is just too precious to remain docile and much too short to wait for someone else to do it.
Carpe Diem. Carpe Dios. ;-)
I will not let go until you bless me.
I have had enough interesting things happen in my life to know that I will never be an ordinary person. But exactly what does that mean?
I've tried to write for three days. Then Stacy puts up the song about little children and the violence done to them, and I think back to last summer, when the scripture read on Saturday morning was about the dance of Salome and the head of John the Baptist.
And how I wept uncontrollably for what seemed like hours...until every available drop of water had left my body. Because of the way the child was used by her parents for their own personal pleasure.
Abuse doesn't always look like abuse. I recall videotaping one of my son's soccer games and when I got it home to watch it...oh my, the things that tape caught! Private conversations between unhappy women...all sorts of human sounds...and then the constant shouting by one father to his son: "Twenty dollars, Mikey! Twenty dollars if you knock him out!"
I never cared too much for any sport where you have to make someone else not win. Example: tennis: you hit the ball so that the other person cannot hit it back. Golf: you play your best, they play their best...and the one with the lowest score wins...you don't have to "make" someone else lose.
I prefer golf. I'm just not that kind of competitive. I don't arm wrestle for power.
I simply accept the power that God has given me. And He has given me a lot.
Maybe that is because I was powerless to stop all the evil that surrounded me as a child. I am strong because God made me strong. I am willful and I question authority because, as a child, authority was not reliable or trustworthy.
I learned to be clever. I learned to be creative. I learned to be rebellious and never accept anything unless I saw that the fruit of it was good. And I learned to pray to God all day long.
God was the only reliable thing in my life. And that was often shown in the priests in my life. I was lucky in that respect. The nuns, well, they tried to beat me or humiliate me into submission...or so it felt. I was way too smart for the classes I was in, so they looked a bit foolish trying to teach me something I had already taught myself. They were all about rules and order. They didn't realize that in my house, while things looked really good and ordered, nothing there was safe or comforting. And they seemed to be just like my parents. When the priest showed up, they became very friendly and kind. I saw them as hypocrites, though I didn't know what the word meant then. But I was keenly aware that the presence of a priest changed the climate, at home or at school. Man, I wanted a part of that deal!
God had walked into the room. When I was a minister in the Methodist church, I went to a party at one of my parishioners homes. She opened the door of her very beautiful Richardson home and proclaimed loudly to the people in the other room "God has arrived!" Heavens, I wanted to crawl under a rock. People took me out, fed me, wanted my company...and I was not wanting a part of that at all. I wanted to remain in the confessional, sitting quietly, until someone really needed help. All this other stuff was just too much.
And then, being a single woman in a Protestant church, and a minister...some people had designs on who I should date and marry...that was a nightmare! The Catholic Church has the right idea about celibacy. There is simply too much work to do that would make it impossible to be fair to a husband or wife. It is the price to pay for being a healer. But at least the rules are clear in the Catholic Church. How could I tell anyone in the Protestant Church that I just didn't want a man and no, I was not gay, either.
But those are old issues, they just got stirred up because of the video about the children that I saw this morning.
We can't undo the violence that occurs in our childhoods, but we don't have to let it rule our lives. For me, God seemed to fill me with His graces to live well. I feel a strength that I cannot explain. I know a truth that I cannot put into words. When I am consumed in His Spirit, I don't feel any fear or worry. I know in my heart that, even if I am doing the wrong thing, He will make it the right thing. I have metaphorically walked in front of a truck to stop a disaster, knowing that I would be judged and dragged down the street...but knowing that the greater evil would have been to do nothing.
And I suppose that is a problem for some people. And it may be the stumbling block for me to do the ministry I feel called to do. But God wins. Even if I am cast aside, it really doesn't matter. God wins.
I think I'll stop here and listen to the rain...
He wins: John 16:33 "In this world you will have hardship, but take care, I have conquered the world!"
Love, Cindy
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