A great line from a rather risque movie: Sideways. I loved the movie because it was about the wine country in California. I love the Sonoma Valley. I always said that when I got my masters degree, I wanted to fly upside down in a biplane over the Sonoma Valley. Never did do that...but I've had my share of dare-devil stunts in single engine planes over TAMU while I was there...usually after a night of beer and dancing at Lakeview or The Peanut Gallery...usually with a guy I just met, for I can't remember a single pilot's name from those days, but oh how I loved night flying!
And this woman wants to live the religious life.
I suppose whatever I have done, I have always done it intensely. I have done it truly, madly, and deeply. My female heroes have always been women who live on the edge, who don't take no for an answer, who are willing to die for a good cause.
Maybe God was planning to make us men and then thought, just for fun, I'll give them a womb and see what happens...
I don't apologize for my intensity. I know for a fact it brings people together. Just yesterday, while I was playing the piano in a church not my own, but used to be my own, a woman came in and turned the lights on. I don't like lights. I like it au natural...I like the shadows on the walls and the casting of the sun in the sanctuary.
She turns the lights on! Argh! So I lean over the railing and say, "Hey, I'm Cindy. Is there a service going to start?" She says "no," but she can't read without the lights...I look up and see the 50-plus big bulbs burning overhead. I do not say what I am thinking.
OK, I think, gotta check this one out.
Two hours later I have a new friend. Somewhere along the way, she says, something like, I was just so mad at God...he's helps all the people I pray for but He won't help me! I asked what she prayed for. She says something like, someone to come into my life and listen to me.
I try not to smile.
I tell her that I am looking for exactly the same thing.
We have a lot in common. She speaks her mind. She yells at God. She hurts and longs for things and wants to know the truth and wants to love God truly, madly and deeply. I'm thinking...whoa...
And then a church employee comes in and she tells her to turn out the overhead lights. And she does....
And the yellow stained glass in the head of Aslan (the Lion which represents St Mark)is absolutely stunning...crackled of yellow flood the church and make our faces glow yellow. Oh yes, another God moment.
So today, a less pleasant task: calling my ex-husband. I didn't even recognize his voice. But after a minute, I could hear Bob somewhere in there. And the old pain rose to the surface a fleeting moment: this man loved me once and then changed his mind.
And I have to remember to get my head around the entire picture. You loved once and then you wanted something else. You wanted God in the equation and he definitely did not. You wanted relationship, he wanted success. You wanted someone to look you in the eye and not at a computer screen.
But the voice was hard to deal with. All that pain entered the room again, but you know, it didn't have the power over me that it once had. Because I could see the bigger picture. Because I somewhat understood that it's all just a part of living out our lives. Some things work, some things just don't.
It is not always so easy to accept that part of our lives. I think most of us want the fairy tale ending. Prince Charming...Princess Leia...whatever.
The secret of life it to live it. But we really shouldn't and do not have to live it alone.
I've heard that too, over the past couple of weeks. "I don't want to be alone." No one is alone. When my divorce first happened, I recall that one of my first thoughts was "I'm going to be buried alone." What an odd thing to think about. As if my dead body would have some kind of feelings about where I would be. Yet, I don't think it is an uncommon thought.
I think usually, when we get depressed, we really do get depressed. We start thinking small...and then smaller and smaller and smaller...until we think so small that only one thing matters...and often it is the one thing we cannot have.
We can't see the millions of things that we can have. Like the Buddhist story about the man in the cell, holding on to the bars and staring out at the light...not realizing that the door behind him is wide open, all he has to do is walk out.
But we stay in our prisons until we want to leave them. That is truth. We hang on to our sins like they were precious jewels, so precious that we think we will disappear if we let them go.
That is the gift and curse of free will.
So I talk with my ex-husband today. I need his help. I make the call in the presence of a friend. And then I hang up. Physically. Then mentally. And finally spiritually.
Phone just rang. My ex-sister-in-law said that her husband would be glad to help me finish an important project. Okay, my annulment. Part of the plan. Actually a pretty decent way to walk through hell, if you have to walk through hell. And I'm talking with people who I shut out of my life because...I didn't want to think about the past. But that's what it is: the past. Part of who I was, and who I am. But it's not in charge of me anymore.
Now, that's reconciliation...
Love, Cindy
Hallelujah! Amen!
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