The Theology of Waiting

I had a meeting with someone today. In fact, I had two meetings today. One went very well, better than I anticipated. Who knows? I may be moving to Arkansas someday soon. I like the water there. It tastes like water.
The second meeting, however, never took place. And the problem is that the person I was waiting for has done this to me twice before, always with very good reasons. But given yesterday's experiences, I am less inclined to think well of it and a strong part of me is thinking that a cloistered life might be just the ticket. I love to pray. I am happiest with God. God is always available, God always listens, God always understands...ah, but then, He's God.
People are less reliable. Yes, I am in a mood. I like it better when things run smoothly. I like it better when I am too busy to think too much about some things. I think the Benedictine discipline will serve me well. It is a life well ordered and predictable. The challenge comes from remaining ordered and calm.

There are attributes that don't exist in me. Capricious is always a word I associate with me, myself and I. I change as quickly as the clouds in the sky. I am a summer thunderstorm. I am the water melting off a mountain and making its own path through the rocks. I am that seagull named Jonathan, who decided to fly higher than any other seagull ever flew...and I am 'Half-pint,' who decided to climb the mountain to get closer to God.

When I think about who I really am, I am less disturbed by the disappointing behaviors of others, who I have somehow decided that they are supposed to fly with me...when flying is absolutely the last thing that is on their minds.

But I have seen God and lived...and I desire others to see God, too.

I spent the two hours waiting for an appointment that never happened, first by dancing in the chapel to music I liked from the 70s. I danced for God. I sang to God. And He laughed. I did my Hours, with Gabriel's Oboe playing in the background. And I wept...what was that about? I kept wangering through Jeremiah, looking for the four servant songs...silly me! Those songs are in Isaiah! Then I think I read the sermon by Cyprian today...it is wonderful to have all those words available to me, it is like being in seminary again.
A man came in to pray the rosary, so I left the chapel for the sanctuary. Found my bag of piano music. "Oh that's where I left it...you know, I would leave my head behind if it wasn't attached..." Continued to read beautiful words of God. Went to John 14 and forward. My eyes could not see the words for the tears in them...always a problem when I read John.

Why don't people get it? It is all right there. Everything you need.

Then Corinthians 13...because someone I spoke with didn't really understand what love is...and I read it and thought...it's right here in black and white. But you have to understand it, and that takes time. Lots of time. And I wept more because I realized how impatient I am with people. If I was truly loving, I'd love them right where they are and not push them to where I think they should be. Sigh...it is so hard to wait for someone to 'get it.'

Ah, but you waited for me Lord...you waiting a long time...for me to get it.

Then off to I John 4...which kind of puts the bow on the package. Here are the terms. Decide what you want to do, who to be, then do it and be it.

Oh Lord, how very long you waited for me!
All the wrong turns
Bad choices
Jealous rages
Neediness
Trying to control others and outcomes
Disappointments
Broken hearts and dreams

And you waited...you waited for me
You waited for your turn in my life of self-destruction
And asked me if I wanted something else
Something better
Something perfect
Something that no one could ever take away

And finally, I fell to my knees and said Yes.
And nothing has ever been the same since.
Thank God!
Thank God indeed!

And that's what waiting does.

But as I end all my prayers these days:
My dear sweet Lord: Don't let go of the rope!

Love,
Cindy