That only has meaning to me. I have something else I have not yet posted. Tried to work on it, but you know how ideas are. They arrive and they leave. I am surrounded by the strong women of PISD who are celebrating a retirement and it is difficult to focus.
But I had to post something today. Today is another important day in my life. My body is so full of energy right now, perhaps it cannot focus enough to write. Tried to play the Ave Maria at church this morning and could barely do it. Too much energy. Not bad. Good energy.
Prayed on the steps with my face down. I didn't cry, but when I lifted my head, everything below my face was wet. What was it, I wondered. Oh my, it was my breath! The tiles were wet from my breath. In the past I have placed my tears on the altar. Today I put my breath there. Good gift. Good thank you gift for today. My breath.
Letting go and holding on. What to keep, what to release? Which part serves God best? Not always easy to tell. But detachment helps. There are plenty of things I would like to do, plenty of things I want, plenty of dreams sit in my heart right now. But in the midst of that is great calmness.
He holds me so closely today. And I feel Him deep in my heart. In a place where no one has gone, where no one has touched before. I am so deeply grateful. I am so deeply humbled that He would bother with me, that He receives me just as I am...sees what I can be and waits patiently for me to see it too.
Feeling that deep love, I find myself cherishing each encounter with each person I meet. It is as if I am there, but I am not there. Clearly I have perhaps a hint of what Paul meant when he said, "I am a new creation."
I didn't know that I could love this deeply and not be attached. I mean, doesn't love mean wanting to possess something? Doesn't it mean also loss and pain? But this love I feel has no fear in it. How can that be? Kind of a complete acceptance of the way things are. But not passive, not really saying that we keep tolerating things that are not of God, but that we deliberately live on the one side of the coin. We know that things generally run their course, but that doesn't matter.
Mary has chosen the better part. Leave her alone.
Joy comes from making the right choices. And forgiving yourself when you make the wrong ones. What greater joy could a person have than to know that you have been forgiven when you screw up?
There is something going on inside me. I can't quite name it, but it is a kind of burning joy...my brain may not have figured it out, but my heart is secure in His love.
And as the pain of a few days ago seemed to overwhelm my total being and I poured it out to God...today is the same, only I feel love oozing out of my cells to anywhere that it can find a home. Both are the same somehow, but I am learning to receive and let go...nothing ever stays for long. Hopefully as it passes through me, it grows into a gift for God.
I am so very happy. I'm finally learning how to live as He wants us to live.
Suffering will always be here with us, but in His good graces, love will always be with us, too. We will never have to do it alone.
That line at the end of Ghost: "You never lose the Love, you take it with you." I believe that. Of course, love...real love, is God Himself.
Enter into people's lives. Engage each other. As many as possible. Listen to their stories. Tell your story. Don't expect anything. Just be open to whatever God brings you. And don't forget to say Thank you.
Thank you God, for today. And thank you, to each person who touched me today. Who will touch me today. It is a very important day. I want to dance...my heart is already dancing. No, it will not always feel like today.
Then again, maybe it will.
Love, Cindy
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