Up at dawn, at least I went to bed fairly early. Wanted to write yesterday about the light, but then, not once but twice, I have felt that some of my friends let me down. I attribute it to all the big changes that are going on around us, but it is still difficult to bear. I love them. And who knows, perhaps I also am not being as loving as I could be right now. I ask God in prayer, and He will show me when I have failed Him. If I have not, then the right thing to do is just let go.
But I am up this morning to write about the light. Two nights ago now, there was a vigil service for a young boy who died in a tragic accident. From what I gather, he was a kid who was full of good humor and love. I did not know him, I knew his parents. I did not know them at the time of the accident, but when I looked at the pictures in the church (and if you are really curious, I did write about this last year)and I have been praying for the family ever since. Their son's death was the worst, but the first of many for them in that year. I cannot imagine their grief.
What I can speak to is the vigil. About 100 people gathered at a garden near the church after the last evening Sunday Mass with candles. The boy's music teacher played "Imagine" by the Beatles in the background. Fr. Jason led the prayers, with young seminarian Paul assisting. Tireless Mary constructed the service and "kept all the parts together." The boy's father read a Hopi prayer. And the light was passed around from candle to candle in the early evening.
This being north Texas, though...a candlelight service is always a tricky thing to pull off. The space where we were located, between two buildings, made the breeze that much stronger. So as the 100 of us huddled together in prayer and tears, the wind would shoot through us and a light would go out. Quickly someone who had the light offered another light. Sometimes they would get the other candle lit and then their own light would go out. So the favor had to be returned. Over and over and over again. And then more.
Such is the Body of Christ. Not one of us can be a light to this world without the help of another. The winds are always blowing around us and sometimes our light goes out. We try to protect it, we guard it, but still...we lose it and we are sad inside. But then someone comes along and offers us the light again. We struggle to relight out candle, and now and then, we might take too much from that candle and it goes out...but then someone else comes along to help. And if we see a candle not light, well, our job is to go over and offer the light.
Hills and valleys. Heavens and hells. Light and darkness.
"No one lights a lamp to cover it with a bowl or put it under a bed." JB, Luke 8:17
"I am the Light of the world; anyone who follows me will not be walking in the dark; he will have the light of life." JB, John 7:12
"And the night is as bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you." Psalm 139, paraphrased...as I pray it in the garden without a book :-)
I promise you it is not an original idea. We are called to the be the light of the world. His voice, His hands, His Heart.
A couple of important things: to do this, we must be led by the Holy Spirit. Otherwise we are off on some kind of selfish, self-seeking agenda. These things will eventually fail and they will make us feel bad inside.
We know we are doing good, that is, the work of the Spirit, not when we succeed, but when we fail and still have a peace about it. We offered our best...and in front of our eyes, it has been rejected, or laughed at, or scorned...and we still have peace in our hearts. We are calm. That is clearly of His Spirit.
When we succeed, it is harder to discern if we are doing God's work or fluffing our own feathers. Pride is such an annoying animal. He shows up everywhere...any weak spot and he crawls in and makes us miserable. Maybe its vanity he places on our hearts, or selfishness, or (my greatest weakness, perhaps: the sin of perfection)...but he comes in and he makes us dark. Our light cannot shine so bright when he is lurking about...yes, success is definitely harder...we always want to think we somehow did it on our own merit. Exactly what part of who we are did not come from God? So in whom should we have pride? Certainly not ourselves.
But in our failures, when we are 'down and weary,' our spirits are lifted if we know we were trying to do God's will for us. We know that God will make it work out...we are humbled by His power and grace.
So, for the moment, I can take comfort in watching all of those wonderful people who came out to support the grieving family of the little boy who loved dragonflies. I take comfort in that as I have to think about how other things that happened after that didn't work out as nicely. While I have people angry with me just now, I know in my heart what I did and why I did it. They are not able to see that right now. They might never see it. I am sad, but I am at peace.
Its not my job to be a pleaser or to say what other people want to hear from me. Such actions would eventually tear away at my soul. But then, I suppose my work might be in learning to say nothing at all, if it appears clear that someone cannot hear what I have to say anyway.
The Desert Fathers wrote that "simply to open one's mouth is a sin." That's why they stayed silent. I suppose that is a solution, but maybe not the best solution. At least for me.
I talk to God constantly. And I am so frustrated when I cannot talk to Him. And no, I don't mean silently in my heart...I'm talking about "in your face, why is this happening" kind of out loud talks with God. Not quiet, not pretty or "angelic," sometimes when I talk with God it gets down right dirty. Yesterday was an example. I used words to express to God my feelings that I would not use in front of my children.
Yes, I know...what what good is a marriage if you can't have a good fight now and then? You have to know how to fight together as much as you need to know how to love together.
I am rambling now...but the things I have heard over the past few days have so surprised me...
Love one another...please!
Love, Cindy
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