I have been blessed with chaos. No two days are ever the same. Each day is better than the last, even the ones where I fall into great sadness and despair. I do not dare to write that those days are gone for good, but in many ways, I am learning to cope with them better.
I told a priest this morning, and I have actually had short conversations with four so far...a blessing for this woman who considers every priest a part of her family...I told this priest that when I get to the place where I do not speak out so quickly and strongly in my moments of intense emotion, I will be ready to become officially consecrated to God. That seemed like a pretty big revelation for me. I think God needs calm people as leaders. Never mind David, and his outbursts...we're talking New Testament here, where Jesus never really "re-acted" to anything. He was always in control of himself, even when he was angry.
I haven't learned how to do that yet. Or perhaps I have not yet received that grace, and I am thinking that is the real marker for a great priest. To be accused, misunderstood, mocked, hated, calumniated, forgotten...and still been able to love, no, not just love, but able to be loving. That is the real marker for a great priest.
One priest I spoke with told me how he understood his work and I know God put him there, at that very moment, to tell me that. Another gave me just enough time for me to find something I had lost. One reminded me of the work I've been called to do and yet another is giving me permission to do it. How about that for a half day?
This morning I got to sing Happy Birthday in the columbarium with a friend whose husband died earlier this year. Tears and laughter and hugs. And twins to be born in the spring! How many miracles is that so far? And those are just the ones I get to see.
I love because He loved me first. Thinking back over the years, learning to befriend the truths of my life, how very much fun I had in seminary and how it drove me crazy...all of it leading up to today. And then there will be tomorrow, which will include what I might learn today.
In seminary Anne said I walked around like a nun. Ha! Yesterday a man on the street assumed I was a minister and told me of his grief. In a group discussion, my supervisor had the nerve to point out how I had stilled the group when I began to speak from my heart the truth I know about God. He was right, the calm was there...nobody moved...and I am angry with him for drawing attention to it.
The paradox is that I choose to write about it.
My thought is again what Sister Maria Goretti 'asked' me the last day of my visit to the monastery: What gifts are you hiding and why?
I am convinced that if we, as the Body of Christ, live out even only a tenth of the graces God has given us, we can change the world. We can live in the Kingdom of God here, for it is here...in our hands, waiting to be to be seen. There is enough for everyone. No one should want in this Kingdom. No one will go hungry, no one will be cold, no one will ever feel alone. We don't have to live like we do. We can love, if we choose to love.
I put lots of words here. Personally because I like to write and would write even if the format was not available. I have tubs of journals at home holding my humanity over the last forty or so years. But here, is kind of like when the Paul began his journeys. The roads were available and so he used them.
The Kingdom of God is within you and all around you. Just open your eyes. Reach out to each other. Ask, if you are in need...and the Kingdom of God will give it to you. Pride and jealousy and fear and all the other tools of the Adversary cannot withstand the power of real love.
If God can take a fool like me, pull me out of the raging floods and say, "be on your way about the work I have called you to do," well then, He can do so much more for you.
Be about your gifts. Receive them. Say thank you. And love one another.
Love, Cindy
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