No place like home...

Fleetwood Mac CD..."Over my Head"
Want to write about all that happened last night, but I've signed a paper for Children's Hospital to not write about it. I mean, I don't know what I can write, so I better not write.
But I got the tour. Five ICUs? I think that is right. Met a doctor or two. Met a lot of nurses...they all had beautiful teeth, I thought...such nice smiles. Watched one of them cry while bad news was delivered. But I can't write about that. Gave away my Mother Teresa medal. Someone needed it more.
ER was packed and I maneuvered through a sea of people and remembered ten years ago, when I stood by a little boy bleeding from his head and I thought how much I had changed from the girl who fainted in biology class in high school. And look at me now. Nearly a nun...or something anyway...

And it seems people are so attracted to that, to me. They look at me as if I am someone important, but I am not important at all...only He is important. I'm just a messenger. But people see something when they see me. I've been trying to figure it out: why and how I do what I do.

And really, it is not me at all, that they see, or hear, or touch...I'm just a shell or a shadow...but the Light is there. I feel it, I crave it, I breathe through it and that is what people see. Not me. Him.

It is absolutely insane to live this way. Yet I love it. And it is all so flawed and broken at the same time. I mean, we can't really leave our humanity behind. We carry it along, only it is not in charge anymore.

I have to write another talk for an ACTS retreat. I want to tell you about it here, but it has to stay secret for now. My "new" spiritual director, Fr. Joe, observed that I talk to a lot of priests...yeah, well maybe...but they are my brothers...everyone of them...and I need their protection because the world is not always nice and I am not always smart, I need them. They are family. He suggests that I just talk with God for a while.

He's asking an extrovert not to talk...ha! And when I talk just to God, well, things happen. I still need someone around to keep me grounded. Someone to grab my cloak and keep me from wandering too far off. I think I have found that person to keep me on the ground, but I'm not sure yet. I wonder how far I might reach into heaven, if I can trust this person as my anchor?

There is much more to write, but I'm not ready. It's time to get rid of the crystal and china and silver. Haven't used them in years. Don't really need them...and the thousands of books scattered throughout the house.

I'm over my head in my love for God...I give my life to Him...freely. Today. 7:17 a.m. Central Time. November 13, 2010.

Love, Cindy