Peter Paul and Mary: Paul Stookey, The Wedding Song

From Monday:
Always loved this song, always thought I would have it played for my wedding. It seems very appropriate for this first Monday in Advent...I have much to think about in these days ahead.

I find myself back where I have always been: deeply in love with God. I have these memories of moments where I felt Him so very near to me. It is all so odd and not what I would expect and yet, exactly what I would expect. I just figured I would go to my grave and no one would ever know about this strange and wonderful love story. I figured I was crazy, but I wasn't going to let go of Him...and that was just fine...

but the convergence of events make it so very different now. Technology makes it possible to throw out our crazy ideas and then let the world pass its judgment on them. Maybe, just maybe, someone will say something or do something, and we will stop hurting each other, being mean to each other...and start really loving each other. Just maybe God has provided a way for us to all live again. Just maybe.

This past Sunday, I was double-booked for Communion services. I didn't realize my schedules overlapped until I got to Mass. And then, thank heaven, I did not really think about it until Mass was over. I hate it when I am not completely given to the Mass, and I am ashamed to receive Communion if my mind has wandered off to unimportant things. So as Mass ended, it all came to me.

I rushed to the first service and found two women in place facilitating, one reading the old testament reading. I began to walk away, but was vigorously motioned over to stay. In fact, she gave me the gospel to read, and I read it out of breath, pausing like one does in reading of the Hours, after every very words. Nancy looked at me and whispered, "you do the 'homily.'" Not really an issue, and often best if I don't think about it...knowing I border on Roman Catholic heresy here, I know I was born to preach. I know it in my marrow and I have known it since I was a little girl...when the adults around me would stop talking when I began to speak, they stopped and listened. What I could have said that mattered, I haven't a clue. It always seemed to happen. Restaurants, bars...I'd go off on a rabbit trail and people would just listen...it creeps me out sometimes. I don't want to matter that way. I don't want that responsibility.

And yet, it is my gift. My spiritual gift from God.

So I did my "thing" and thought it was broken theology at best...I was still trying to catch my breath. But something must have worked, because I heard thank you. And we shared Communion with them. I hugged everyone, apologized again for being late and ran off to my next encounter with God.

This time, I looked through the car and could not find my book. All I had was the day's readings. Could I do the 'Mass' from memory? Only if I did it the way I knew it. I didn't have time to think about what I could and couldn't say. I just introduced myself, apologized that I had forgotten my book and that I had to let the Holy Spirit run the communion service. (That was my quick, get out of jail card, in case there was somebody there who might say I used too many words) And in my head, I saw Fr. John, and just stepped into what I thought was of course, how all services begin:
The Lord be with you...and also with you.
As we begin this celebration, let us call to mind our sins and ask the Lord for His pardon and strength...
And oddly enough, it was all there...and it felt so good...
My mind seemed to do what it needed to keep it all fluid. I knew enough not to recite the Eucharistic Prayer and I left out of few of the other parts, that I could remember that I had to leave out...but it was all there in my head. And I was stunned that I had it all packed away in my brain. I was not out of breath, I was calm and happy. Even joyful. God gave me a gift. One that certainly will not be repeated, especially since I am writing it here now.

But at the end of time, when the wars come...I will remember the words of great comfort for people who can be comforted by them...I will be able to help...and that is enough. Sound crazy? Probably. A combination of which book, Farenheit 451, I think plus knowing that my children's grandfather was locked in a metal box for four years and tortured, I know in my gut we must remember, there will be a time when we won't have our books, only our memory...

We all have to have something to hold on to that no man can take away. My job, one of them, it to remember the Mass. Another goal is to memorize the Gospel of John. To make the extraordinary ordinary. To hold on to that which is precious. That which survives beyond time.

And then I offered a 'reflection.' Not a homily, because the church does not allow women or lay people to do homilies, so I offered a reflection on the Word of the day. I took what Fr. John said, gave him the credit and then added all the stuff I had learned from different priests that week. I told them about things said in a private conversation that, as I opened my mouth, I began to understand how all the details of my life weave together...and how each thing God gives me is a thing I must give away, at the appropriate time. I looked at them and I was stunned by how God makes everything work...and I became hungry and energized because I saw that my life as a lowly woman, less than (and yes, I see the Catholic Church as viewing women as less than...but that does not stop me from loving it anyway) yet I am stronger than I could ever be, had I been born a man and allowed to be a priest. In my lowliness, I can do so much work...until I am told to stop...and then I will simply do it differently...but I have now and now is beautiful.

I begged God to make me a healer. And in very small ways, I get to do that work. And in every way I can, I thank Him for letting me help.

I wonder exactly when I married God. Or Jesus...though for me, it is not Jesus that comes to my mind when I think spouse, I am really thinking God...the Trinity...the whole thing, not just one aspect. Was it when I was seven days old, on Christmas Eve, when my mother handed me over to the husband and wife that would shape my life? Was it that day that God said, "we are joined, we are One, and nothing will ever separate us again," or did it happen later?

Now where I am, I cannot even begin to imagine a moment when I existed and He was not there. Even in the dark days, He was there. Even when everything was taken from me, His Love was my Rock and I clung to Him in the strong winds that wanted me to go somewhere else.

Does this mean nun? I don't know. Can I stay in the Roman Catholic Church? I hope so. But only time will tell...

This I know: my first, last and best Love is the One who claimed me as His own long ago. My most perfect spouse. The Love of a lifetime. For a lifetime. The One to whom I offer back all that He has given me: my heart, my hands, my voice, every cell of my body.
I have six drafts going and a paper due Tuesday. But today is December 1st and every day of Advent has already brought something new.

Are your lives like that? Oh, I hope so! I hope every day you feel the joy of living and knowing that some day you will live differently in a better place. Now matters, too. I am amazed with every day.
In this past year, I have so many new people in my life! My relationships are healthier. They are passionate, but not possessive. They are immediate and not projecting. They are savored, not feared. They are celebrated and most often, there is little disappointment.
But this did not happen in a vacuum. I got really angry this year also. I got depressed. I wanted things my way and I let some people get under my skin. I have had relationships that were disappointing, but still appreciated. I've relationships flourish that I did not expect. I have had many answers to my prayers. I have seen the real grace in simplicity. I have seen the value of things I would have never wanted in the past. I have learned how to love myself more by loving myself less.
Somehow many of my hungers have been fed in unexpected ways. My thirst is quenched. I have given more of me away than I ever dreamed possible and as a result I have received more than I ever thought was possible.

I love now, not to be loved...though I am loved, but because it feels so good to give myself away. And it makes me laugh...because I throw myself out there, expecting nothing...and I keep getting so much more in return. It is insane, it does not make any logical sense.

I take a cup of my water and cast it out...and immediately I am drenched in water. I offer my hand to hold someone up and suddenly I discover that there are five hands holding me up.

Just like last night, when He let me play the piano...when the remodelers kept saying my name over and over..."Cindy, you play well. We want to hear you again"...they were so funny, and then the little boys who tried to turn the altar into a gym and I couldn't handle it, so I got one to read Isaiah for me, and he read so well. And the precious little boy who knelt before Mary...slayed me with his prayers. And trying to carry a wasp out of the sanctuary without getting stung but knowing I couldn't kill it. Veronica teasing me about being 20 minutes late to the ACTS meeting when she knew I was there before her.

I was praying, I explained...and I was. I had to wait for the people to go, to be alone, to tell God what I needed to confess and to be able to hear His answer.

And tonight, how He took my stress and anxiety and whining and just held me up, held me together and healed the broken parts in my heart.

Am I going to say Yes again?

I can still smell the chrism oil all over my left hand. There were three who were confirmed tonight at Mass. I cleaned up after Mass. I didn't realize there was oil in the lid and it went all over my hands...I panicked and then I laughed! There is no scent more sweet to me than that special oil. God's December 1st gift to me. His perfume. His mark.

We are one again. As if there was a time when we were not...

May you enjoy this love affair, too, in your own way. He's waiting for you.

Yes, Lord. Once again, I say yes.

Tell Him yes...and watch the world light up before you!