Mortimer Adler wrote a book, "The Angels and Us." I have read pages out of the book, but not in order. Adler is a great author. What I remember from long ago is his book, "How to Speak How to Listen." And there was the book where I found him: "How to Read a Book." My ex-husband told me to read it. I still lament that that relationship could not have worked itself out. The man was a genius, and outside of the marriage, he was a great man.
Marriage changes everything. I don't care who you are, if you lived together or lied separately first, if you slept together or remained celibate in that relationship until marriage, if you were married before or not, if you both were virgins or not...marriage changes everything.
We carry unconscious illusions about marriage and married life inside us and we know exactly when and where and how our partner lives up to or breaks the rules. Very few couples actually discuss their approvals and disappointments concerning marriage because for those of us who are immature (and that would include me), well, "if he LOVES me, he SHOULD KNOW what I want and what I don't want." Play out that scenario in two people who are together and the whole things implodes sooner or later. After all, we all KNOW what marriage is.
I've seen Shrek, I Love Lucy, all the Doris Day/Rock Hudson movies, Love Story...The Big Chill, The Sandpiper, Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf?, Sex Lies and Videotape...
Heavens, how do we survive?
Then there are the angels, which I not prepared to discuss at this moment, but oddly, they are right here with me.
I woke this morning to a strange sound, not unexpected in a house full of people again. I tiptoed into the kitchen and searched out the sound. Egads! Someone left the faucet running all night! I turned it off, tossed off the unfortunate waste of money and water and made my pot of coffee.
People just complicate things. I like my orderly (well, to me anyway), celibate life. I have complicated my life with men in the past, since the end of my marriage, and it has never worked out well. It always seemed like a struggle for power. More specifically control. I always joked in college that I like to have a man on my terms. You can go back into my writings and understand why.
At some point in my marriage, I decided to trust my husband...and that is what caused the marriage to fail. I changed the rules. I decided I wanted to be really married...and really married meant all of those cliches I saw in movies growing up. And my husband was not up to the challenge, not did he have a clue about what I wanted because I didn't tell him I changed the rules. He was just supposed to know.
I guess I am writing that here now because it's the holidays and we need to pay attention to our inner rule book. Most people don't know what the rules are, that is, what YOUR rules are. And the holidays are here now and so the rules are engaged even without you knowing that.
Remember the movie Flatliners? Perhaps the motto for that movie is "when you are going through hell, keep going."
And then consider that wonderful book by C.S. Lewis: "The Great Divorce." Purgatory and Hell exist for us because we are so afraid to really love...and to really love, we must face out truths. And to face out truths, we have to go through hell first. Little guilts and big guilts. Asking for and receiving help, from a husband, a daughter, a friend, a priest.
We can't do it alone because we weren't created in a vacuum. We are created as separate beings, but we are all connected. We are all intended to be One with Him.
Am I explaining it well? I don't think so. All I can do is try.
I am so sick of people hurting each other. I am so sick of people who hold grudges and won't forgive...and it breaks my heart into bits when I see people who will not forgive themselves.
And the holidays just shove all those wounds into our faces.
Maybe we need angels. Maybe we need people to come into our lives, strangers who don't know us and from whom we expect nothing, to listen to us...in our brilliance and stupidity and ignorance...and not know us enough to give an answer because they can't. They don't know us. But in their presence of unknowing, we finally come to know ourselves. And we get our "get out of hell" card finally. We get to get on the bus back to heaven and this time, we will choose to stay because we can finally choose life. Someone has heard us and we are finally at peace inside ourselves.
Turkey or Ham?
Are you the one gets "dumped on" during the holidays? Are you the one the family likes to embarrass for the hundredth time retelling the story of how you set the rug on fire or how you were madly in love with the boy across the street? Are you the turkey? Are you the proverbial prodigal son?
Or are you the one who has a litany of accomplishments that you need to share because you are the one who did everything right and the family needs to know you are the authority on everyone else's lives? Are you the ham? Are you the older son who is convinced that everyone would be just fine if they all followed your rules, which of course the right rules and the only rules that matter?
Or perhaps this year, you might be an angel. Someone who doesn't really change things, doesn't fix things, doesn't judge, but by their presence, their willingness to witness to this gift of life, holds a hand, really looks into the eyes and says maybe, "I understand only a little bit, but I'm listening and I love you."
I know the grammar is horrible. I don't care. I just know that I have seen a lot of hurting people this week and this is how I deal with it.
I love you because He loved me first.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Love, Cindy
